Decentering Men, Coming Out & Reframing ‘The One’ as My Soul’s Mission

This piece isn’t about hating men — it’s about healing from centering them at the cost of ourselves, our purpose, and sometimes even our true sexual orientation.

INTRODUCTION

I'm 34, single, child-free — and, finally, unburdened by shame about it. Just a few years ago, I felt like I was running out of time to fulfill a life script I hadn’t even written. What changed? I stopped centering men and started centering my Soul’s mission.

I used to believe I’d only feel complete once I found “the one” — specifically, a man who could be the father of my future children. I used to see him as the anchor to my dream life — the gateway to love, connection, and belonging. But over the past few years, I’ve unlearned that belief and reclaimed my life force energy.

Life has taught me that when I stop chasing the love of a man, I can redirect that energy toward the things that truly renourish me — like healing energy work, sisterhood, deep friendship, aligned community… maybe even the arms of a Sapphic lover. Love is all around me — when I’m facing the right way and open enough to receive it.

Love is being connected to a higher purpose — a personal mission to be of service in the world.

So how did I get here? Let me take you back.

THE BEGINNING

I have always had a complicated relationship with men. I remember being a little girl and sensing just how oppressive the notion of being a domestic, traditional woman felt to me. I always preferred being in predominantly female settings. I would notice how often when someone’s man walked in the room, everything would become about making sure he was ok. I noticed women shrink and stiffen a little, becoming performative and self-sacrificing to keep the peace, especially with domineering and grumpy or controlling men. I was not a fan of the man-keeping energy, and I was not a fan of women being shells of themselves to serve the man.

EARLY 30’S COMPARISON-ITIS BLUES

I came across the term compulsory heterosexuality this past year when reading the “Am I a Lesbian?” masterdoc. It describes how misogyny and heteronormativity condition women to define our identities — and worth — by our relationships with men. From a young age, we’re taught that our value lies in how desirable we are to the male gaze, and how successful we are in acquiring and keeping a husband before our so-called biological clock runs out.

So, even though I’ve always rebelled against traditional gender roles, I wasn’t immune to that programming. By my early 30s, I found myself depressed, feeling like I had somehow failed because I hadn’t “secured my man.” That old conditioning whispered that without a male partner or a path to building a family, I was incomplete, less belonging and less valuable as a woman.

NOV 2022 – BALI PLANT MEDICINE SHAMAN

Just before my 32nd birthday I took a trip to Bali. I was Soul searching, trying to figure out how I could eliminate this feeling of isolation and being left behind, by finding my male life partner – “the one”.

The one who would finally get me and quit implying that through the eyes of a man I wasn’t up to par as a woman. The one who could prove all the suffering in my dating life was worth it, leading me to some dream man. The one who could prove my ex wrong and show me that I was someone a man could love and want to be with. The one who wouldn’t hold my trauma around losing my father at 7 years old and the painful path with men that followed, against me.

On my flight home from Bali, I met a Shaman sitting next to me on the plane. We connected and did a very powerful plant medicine ceremony together. When she asked me what I hoped to achieve through this ceremony, I said I wanted to clear any blocks that were holding me back from finding “my man”. In response, she said, “You know, love is all around you. It does not have to be romantic.” It would take time and integration for that message to fully resonate.

I have since learned more how love can be in the subtle and simple moments of the day – the sunrise, the sunset, the scent of a flower, the laugh of a baby. Love can be so incredibly rich through nurturing aligned friendships and community – but so many of us miss out on that, because we put so much energy into dating and romantic partners.

Love can be pouring back into yourself and realizing there’s nothing wrong with you – and that even if you feel misunderstood by the world, there’s one person who can have your back – and that’s YOU! Love can be in accepting your unique path and making the most abundant garden with the seeds you have, rather than feeling sad that you don’t have the same flowers as everyone else around you #AmorFati. Love can be in finding your gifts and sharing them. Love is GIVING just as much as it is receiving…Have you ever offered kindness to a stranger and realized it feels just as good giving it as it does to receive it?

NOV 2023 - A LESBEHONEST PSYCHIC READING

I had an Akashic Record reading at the Mind, Body, Spirit festival, which I love attending whenever it’s in town. My reader asked me if I was into men or women, because she was getting a strong homosexual feeling. I said, “I am attracted to women, but I don’t pursue it, because I’m going to end up with a man”, she said “Why do you need to end up with a man?” I said, “Because I want to have kids”, she said “Why do you want to have kids?”. She encouraged me to really reflect on where these desires came from. (Ps. I know there’s other ways of having children, but I had the fantasy of the traditional way).

She encouraged me to explore dating or connecting with the lesbian community, saying women have the capacity to understand and celebrate me more as a person than men—who tended to constrict and shame me. My bi-curiosity was mentally reignited.

JUL 2024 - KEHLANI INTERVIEW & DECENTERING MEN

I am a huge fan of the R&B lesbian artist Kehlani, and I was watching an interview of hers where they asked her how/why she had transitioned from identifying as bisexual to lesbian. She mentioned reading the “Am I a lesbian?” masterdoc and how it helped her decentre men. I was hungry to learn more.

What does it really mean to decentre men? In the article it says, “Women are taught from a very early age that making men happy is our job. We’re supposed to be pretty for men, we’re supposed to change the way we talk so men will take us more seriously, we’re supposed to want a man’s love more than anything else. Our magazines are full of sex tips on how to better please men, our movies are about how we’re supposed to fall in love with men.”

A basic example of male-centred living is this - You meet a guy who says he doesn’t like makeup, so you stop wearing it — just to win his approval, because you think your value as a woman depends on it. But is it worth having the attention of men you cannot even be yourself with? Why do we put them on such a pedestal? The answer – our comp het conditioning. And this is what I hope to free my sisters from.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do nice things to a loving partner but being in partnership with a man shouldn’t require you to contort and mould yourself into someone you’re not or to be satisfied with crumbs.

Decentering men means letting go of self-abandoning or shrinking yourself to get their approval. You don’t have to be a lesbian – but it means prioritizing your own wellbeing and needs as you approach relationships. It means considering that being single isn’t always worse than being a ghost of yourself, or caught up in cognitive dissonance, to maintain the status of being with a man.

LETTING GO OF THE FANTASY

One of the most powerful takeaways from the “Am I a Lesbian?” masterdoc was how many closeted lesbian and bisexual women continue to seek male validation — even when their actual experiences with men are unfulfilling, uncomfortable, or outright harmful. We’re conditioned to chase their approval, even at the cost of our own truth.

That hit home for me.

Looking back, my romantic experiences with men rarely felt nourishing — more often, I felt like I was auditioning for love that never fully arrived. To be frank, it often felt draining and diminishing. I often felt like my life force was being exploited, my emotional needs dismissed. Yet I kept internalizing their opinions of me and wishing they would approve of me.

The men I dated often had a long list of things I should change: “Men don’t like when you’re too emotional.” “Men don’t like when you’re too expressive.” “Men don’t like when you have ‘daddy issues’ or any trauma around men.” Basically: men don’t like when you’re fully yourself. Under patriarchy, they’re the prize — we’re just meant to shape ourselves around them.

I watched the YouTuber Exoticals United playlist series on the topic of decentering men WATCH HERE, and I completely resonated with a point she made: Isn’t it wild that we’ve been sold this fantasy of a dream man who will emotionally fulfill us — when the very system that created that fantasy also stripped many men of the tools to be emotionally safe, empathetic, or self-aware? We’re told they’ll save us, while patriarchy simultaneously renders them emotionally unavailable.

On the flip, here’s where it gets more uplifting and even liberating. She also shared that once she stopped centering men, her interactions with them improved. Without seeking their approval or validation, or need to secure one, she began engaging with them from a more grounded, sovereign place. That shift reduced the pressure and expectation, and as a result, the dynamic became healthier and more peaceful.

2025 - COMING OUT: HI, I’M BISEXUAL

Heteronormative conditioning has caused many a bisexual or lesbian woman to stay closeted — not just to the world, but to ourselves. Why?

I was already an ally to the queer community. I had hooked up with women in my party days. I continued to have sapphic fantasies and exclusively watch lesbian erotic visuals. But still — I stayed attached to the scripted ideal: ending up with a man. We’re told that’s how you win at life: get the degree, the career, the man, the marriage, the kids — and then you matter. Then you excel in this man’s world.

But carving out a path outside of that? It’s hard. I still don’t know my place when it comes to dating women. I don’t “look like” a lesbian - And if you’re a femme, honey, you’re expected to compete for the ultimate prize: wifey to a tall, dark, and handsome man. Hence a lot of us come out as bi or lesbian later in life.

Another layer is craving the rewards of the male gaze— wanting to be like the women who men spoiled, adored, treated like queens. And to be completely frank: to gain a certain status, lifestyle, and resources through romantic relationships with men — rather than focusing on creating that lifestyle and access for ourselves. (Sidebar — since identifying as bisexual and dating women, I have realized just how transactional straight dating tends to be on both sides!)

I’m still physically attracted to some men from time to time. But the reality is, it’s becoming increasingly rare for me to connect with them in the way I’m looking for in a person to date. As a sapiosexual, emotional, mental, and spiritual depth are non-negotiables — and that kind of connection has proven hard to find with men.

That said, if I met a man who I was genuinely attracted to and who could read a blog like this without getting defensive — well, maybe that’s the kind of man I could date.

A WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED

Now that I’m no longer worried about ending up with a man, I’ve exhaled a huge sigh of relief. I’m no longer attached to the idea that I need a romantic partner or children to live a full, meaningful life. That doesn’t mean I’ve ruled those things out — it just means I’m not chasing them from a place of lack or desperation.

The biggest relief is this: I am no longer on patriarchy’s clock, I’m on my own Soul’s clock. I can dream big and take my time carving out new career paths and passions because I don’t need to have it all sorted out by a certain point for the husband-and-kids narrative.

Through my friendships, community, purpose, and exploring relationships with women, I’m discovering many new and fulfilling ways to express love. And I figured out a way to channel the love I have for babies and small children, into working with them.

I’m learning to harmonize my unique gifts with my circumstances.

So maybe I end up with a man. Maybe a woman. Maybe I walk this road solo. Either way, I’m no longer waiting to be chosen — because I’ve already chosen myself. And that’s the beginning of everything.

What I hope you take from this is permission to let go of needing the same outcome as everyone else. Remember: your Soul has a unique purpose and divine gifts to share with humanity — making this your North Star is a far more rewarding and fulfilling way to live than making a man the ultimate prize or pinnacle of your existence.

If you feel like you’re leaking energy in your relationships with men right now, call it back and pour that love into yourself and your personal mission. You’ve got this, Empress!